Withdrawal

This weekend was a little rough for me. Starting Friday afternoon, I was feeling bad. I have this dizzy thing that happens to me every now and then and it started again on Friday. Normally, I will have it starting late afternoon and then its gone in the morning. This time it lasted until Sunday night (when I figured out what it was). I would love to explain it to you, but...I'll do my best. It is kindof a dizziness, but not like a normal dizziness. And, nothing I did or didn't do made it worse or better. Didn't matter if I was sitting, laying, standing...these waves of dizziness rush around my eyes. Well, we were trying to figure it out all day yesterday. We came up with several options - low blood pressure (we took mine several times and it was like 95/65 or 105/67 each time, which is low for me. I normally average 120/80 when I'm at the doctor.), hormonal imbalance, vertigo, inner or middle ear infection, or even sinus congestion. But, I had taken claritin d and tylenol and didn't feel any congestion, so I didn't think it was that. When I still felt the dizziness Saturday morning, I was irritated - it was usually gone by morning. Then I laid around all day Saturday, and it never went away. I went out with friends for a birthday and still felt it all night. Then it was still there on Sunday, and I was really pissed. I was crying on Saturday, cause I didn't know how to stop it. Its not like a normal sick feeling, where if you lay down, you feel ok. No, all I had to do was move my eyes and I would feel it...and sometimes I didn't have to move at all. Well...my mom and I had come to the conclusion it must be low blood pressure, when my dad asked if that was a side effect of the effexor. I thought, no, actually high blood pressure is a side effect. And then I remembered, damn, I forgot to take my effexor last night, and I had already forgotten it the last couple of nights. So, that got me thinking - I went online and googled something about effexor withdrawal and one of the first pages was talking about "brain shivers." The more I read, it was spot on to what I was feeling. For those of you that don't know, effexor is a medication for anxiety/depression and I've been on it for several years. There are horror stories out there about coming off of it. I promise, just google it and you will find plenty. I was reading these stories and I started crying, not sure why, it just started. I realized I was going through withdrawal from effexor. I was emotional, crying at the drop of a hat, those damn "brain shivers," my stomach was upset, I felt fluish - all cold and sweaty at the same time. It took several hours after I took an effexor, but it started going away. The dizziness went away, but I still felt weird. Its finally gone - thank God. Its really scary to think I have to come off of it eventually. People talk about having to take weeks off of work when they go off of it, because of how bad it is. SCARY! Not looking forward to going off of it for real...and I won't be missing any doses again!!

Question Mark

I did have the intentions of postiong several times in the past weeks, but, as you may have noticed, it didn't happen. Basically, everything has become a big question mark for me right now. The classes that I was supposed to be doing this semester have completely overwhelmed, and stressed me out. I got to the point where I was completely ignoring them, and any time I sat down to do something for the class, I would start crying. I just couldn't do it. I think I realized that these types of classes don't interest me, and most of all, are not the kinds of things that I am good at. I had no motivation to keep working hard and noticed that I was just doing what I had to, to get by. I don't want it to be that way. When I decided to go back to school, I wanted to find something that I really wanted to do, something that I wanted to learn about, something that motivated me and I would feel happy about doing for the rest of my life. I know, thats a tall order, but a girl can dream can't she? Well, I kinda fell back into the easy way - business. The class credits I had were all business related (or band, haha), so the easiest thing to do was finish a business degree and be done with it. I would only have a year left, didn't sound so bad. Til I started the classes, and realized I don't wanna do this - I don't want to put so much effort into getting a degree that will get me a job I don't want. I don't want to be in that business world. It has never sounded fun to me, and still doesn't it? I just hate dealing with mgmt, and mkting, and HR, and all the politics that go into it. Honestly, if thats what I have to do make a living, I'm just not interested. And, I know there is something else out there. I just have no idea what it is. I think right now, I am just so interested in so many things, I don't know what direction to go. I want to learn things, I like to learn things, I just want them to be interesting and not the same old BS that I see in business. Whenever I told people my major, they would ask, "What are you going to do with that?" And, I would think, hell if I know! I'm just getting a degree. It makes me feel stupid, that I made the same mistake twice. The first time I went to college, I was doing it because its what you do after high school. You go to college, get a degree, get married, get a job, have kids...you know, the usual. (Its taken me awhile to realize it doesn't work that way for me.) Well, I did it again, I decided to go back to school to "just get a degree, and be done with it." Not thinking about what would come afterwards, or if it was really what I wanted to do. So, I'm really trying to stop this time and think, really think, about all the options, even options that sound crazy to me. I am determined to not fall into the same trap as always. I also think I tend to be swayed by other people. I feel like I need to do things to make other people happy. I'm not blaming my parents here, but I know that my mom suggested things to me, and I probably put it in my head because it seemed like it would make her happy. It may seem stupid, but I think I must do it without knowing it. I don't like making decisions, especially big life-changing ones, so I guess I tend to look to others to make them for me, whether its what will make me happy or not. Even right now, I want to ask for ideas on what to do, knowing that I shouldn't because it needs to come from me. I just don't know where to start, and I know I have to do it.
So...long story short...I have dropped my classes, and I'm left with a million possibilities, and no idea of which one to take. I will have to start paying back the loan I had to take these classes soon, and I only have a part-time job. So, I guess its time to search the internet for ideas on careers and look for a job, huh? As everybody keeps telling me, my parents can't support me forever (darn...hehe). Really, is it this hard for everybody??

Cruisin

Alright so I'm back. And, I think I'm back down to what I weighed when I left. I know I gained 7 lbs from the cruise along with the mom and dad. And haven't been eating that great since we got back. Not really on purpose or anything...mostly its hard to stop eating good food when you didn't have to care about it for a week (even though I said I was going to care about it). That, and I got back and immediately started classes that are completely overwhelming me. I'm already putting stuff off, which is not a good sign. I spent so much time on just one of the class last week, trying to understand it. One class has a 15 page paper due at the end of the session which terrifies me. I have trouble writing 5 page papers, so this is not going to be fun. I also have a 3 page paper due this week for that same class. It took me 4 hours at work last week to read one chapter in my cost mgmt class and this week I have 3 chapters to read. Every time I open up my classes, I get this horrible feeling in my stomach and I quickly turn to something else. I just feel really stupid in these classes for some reason. I don't know if my brain is still muddled from the cruise or what, but I really feel stupid. Anyways...I'm not going to harp on that right now. Let me tell you about my cruise. :)


First of all, I will post some pictures later, but for those of you on facebook, I have them posted there already. The rest of you will have to wait til I get home to my computer.


So, we got up (extremely) early on Sunday to fly to Puerto Rico. I can't say much about PR, because we flew in, drove to the ship, got on, and thats it. We talked about getting back off the ship, but it never happened. Guess we were excited. The one thing about PR is, there are highrises everywhere. I mean, its weird - highrise apts everywhere you turn. For some reason, I just found it odd. And, they all look the same, its strange. And for one more...its eerie...haha!


So, the first night we ate in the other dining room and the service was horrible, but the food was good. Started my first of 7 nights of the warm chocolate melting cake. (See why I gained 7 lbs?).


We left PR at 10 pm which was different as I'm used to sailing away in the afternoon.

First day was St. Thomas.We didn't have anything planned there, so we just got off the ship to shop. For some reason I don't know, going to this port allows you to bring more liquor back per person, so this was a big liquor place. We picked up some booz for Mat, and a shot glass for me. We were on our way to ride the Skyride tram thing up to the mountain, when a lady stopped us and told us we shouldn't because its $20 to go up and see whats right in front of us. For $5 more she would take us on tour around the island. So, after collecting some other people, we said, why not? We went to some vista type spots and it was pretty nice. Back on the ship to get ready for dinner. We were hoping for a private table (at least I was, not a people person myself). Well, we didn't get it. We were at a table for 8, with 2 pairs of ladies. We had an uncomfortable start to the week, that I'll tell you about if you really wanna know - and really only talked to one pair the whole week. The other pair didn't seem to want to talk, nor did one want any pictures of herself. Anyways, food for the week was good, especially the aforementioned (ooh, big word) melting cake, that I did have, yes, every night.

Second day was Dominica, which is my second favorite island. My dad and I went tubing and got much more. We ended up with a whole island tour, and it was a small group, so that made it much better. We didn't go with Carnival and had 7 people, while one of the girl's friends went with Carnival and had like 40, I think. Quite the difference, plus ours was cheaper. Dominica is beautiful - its rainforest, and mountains and just beautiful. We went to this fruit stand, called "Its Nice to be Nice", I've heard it called Mr. Nice's fruit stand. Its free (although you can give tips) for all this really fresh fruit. We had pineapple, banana, mango, coconut, and this fantastic coconut candy that you ate with a roasted cocoa bean - omg, it was fantastic. And the atmostphere was great, because you could tell they just wanted you to feel welcome. The people were all really friendly - really all the islands were that way, but especially here.
The tubing was great, relaxing and fun. We stopped to swim in a spot on the river, jumped in, then continued. We got some rum punch (of course), and then even though they offered to take us to the beach, we all decided it had been a long enough day, so we went back to the ship.

Next - Barbados - It rained most of the day here, or at least misted you know. This island is so flat, compared to the others. We didn't really go on the island here, my dad and I kayaked in the ocean, then swam with the sea turtles which was cool. I'm an idiot though and it took me like 20 minutes to figure out how to use the snorkel thing. I've never snorkeled before and my dad said he could show me. Apparently I wasn't putting the whole thing in my mouth (how was I supposed to know?) I kept getting water in my mouth and then I didn't have my goggles pressed down hard enough cause I kept getting water up my nose. But once I got it figured out, it was pretty fun - although it sounded like I was breathing so hard underwater. Guess I finally did it right? I did get a cool souvenir here from this cool pottery shop. I kinda wish I had gotten a different one, but its ok, I like the one I got too.

Next, St. Lucia. This was my favorite island - very close with Dominica. We went on Cosol's tour and wound up somehow in the party bus. First of all, he gives you food and DRINKS all day, so it doesn't take much. My mom didn't feel well and didn't go with us, and its probably a good thing as she would've hated the group we went with. You know that guy that everybody knows on a cruise ship or anywhere that is? He was sitting right next to me. I remembered him from earlier in the cruise yelling from one of the top decks down to another. And, on the other side of me was a guy he had randomly met who was equally as loud. Near the end of the trip I heard nothing but them. It was mostly fun though. We had the best spread for breakfast - all kinds of food. Coconut cake, fishcakes, johnny cakes (like a not sweet doughnut), flying fish, pineapple, something called a wax apple, and a guinup?(can't find this one), bananas, banana ketchup, and some other stuff I don't remember. They started serving the rum punch, which was strong, and the beer. Actually we got beer earlier - like 11 on the side of the road. This food spread was at someone's house, I believe. This lady made all the food, it was great. Then we went to the stinky "drive-in" volcano. Could've passed on that one. Then to the Pitons, where we swam between the two at the Jalousie Hilton Hotel, where I would go back anytime. It was like heaven there, wonderful. We had some cookies and some homebaked bread and cheese along the way. We also had what they called "island viagra" - it was 160 proof alcohol with a whole bunch of spices and finally - a dead centipede. Of course he told us this after we had it, and it really wasn't that bad, but it did feel warm all the way down, I gotta say. We finally got back to the ship, I think my mom thought we weren't ever coming back - I would have stayed, no problem with me. It does suck because both my favorite islands, I don't have any souvenirs from :)~


Next was Antigua, and we had no plans here either. We went shopping there, but thats it. Don't have much to say about it, but it was really pretty leaving there, and me my Dad found several spots that we could build a house!


Last island was St. Kitts. We had a tour planned with Thenford Grey here. It was a nice tour, but went a little longer than we thought and you could tell everybody was tired from the trip. Several people fell asleep along the tour, and I probably could have slept no problem. We went to Brimstone Hill Fortress where the views were gorgeous. Went to Romney Hill Manor where they make Batik, and walked through the gardens there. Then we went to the other side of the island which is really dry comparatively to Raggae Beach Bar and Grill where we ate and finally went back to the ship. It is important to note that there were 3 Clemson flags there in the bar - so that was awesome.


At night on the cruise, we started the first night going to the comedian - he was pretty funny. The next night there was a show, and then the comedian was supposed to be again at midnight (for a racier set). Well, we went to the show, and I kept thinking how I could be sleeping instead. It was a horrible show, and loud. So, we left halfway through and went to bed..haha. We did end going to the piano bar with Laurie for the last half of the cruise and really enjoyed that. But, mostly I just wanted to go to sleep at night, cause it was a really tiring cruise. Overall it was beautiful islands and tiring trip. But, I wanna go on another one asap.

More later...

10%

I hit my 10% yesterday!!!!!! I am so proud of myself, because I have never reached my 10% in WW before - I always quit before I get there. As my mom keeps saying, I'm not giving up this time. Even if it takes me forever, I'm not going to have to start over from way up there again. So, I am at 210.8, so close to the 100's....I won't know what to do with myself then. I am .2 away from 25 lbs. (And my mom is like .4 away from her 10% and just hit her 25 lb mark at WW) So, we are both getting back on target. Just in time for us to go on a cruise...haha. Figures. So, my dog had his sutures out today, and is doing fine from the surgery. But, now he's sick from something. He's thrown up the last 3 mornings, so we've gotten instructions from the vet on what to do. See, if we can get him illness free here soon. Not much to say today...just got back from the tanning bed, so I can be tan on the cruise....and I burnt my bum....:( It hurts!

Hello

OK, people...here's a quick update.
1. I'm going on a cruise in 16 days!! Yippee! I'm ready to go now! I have a two week break from school, so me and my parents are going to the southern Caribbean for a week. We go out of San Juan, Puerto Rico to St. Thomas, Dominica, Barbados, St. Lucia, Antigua, and St. Kitts. Its a port every day so it will be packed. When we make a final decision on excursion I will post them.

2. I'm doing alright weight-wise. I wouldn't say fantastic, but alright. It's going down, but VERY slowly. However, I'm not too upset by this. I feel I'm really eating better and not eating as much. They say its better if it comes off slow, and it couldn't come off slower. I've also had this jinx lately. I weight pretty much every morning cause I just can't help it. It will show me down every day and then the day I weigh in, I'm up 3 pounds. Now, it normally doesn't show at WW, just leaves the same, or down like . something. But, its really frustrating. I am .4 away from my 10% and last week, I weighed the same. I told her, all I needed was .4! I mean, seriously, I could've peed and lost .4! Anyways, thats been my story lately.

3. I have exams this next week, and I'm so ready to be done for awhile. These classes weren't bad and right now I have a 99 and a 98, so I'm not too worried. Don't know what I'm taking next time yet.

4. My doggie had surgery this past week. He has these cysts that pop up all over. Well, this one under his arm was HUGE. And, it was getting bigger, and he was really uncomfortable, so the vet said we needed to take it offf. She said it was attached to the muscle and there were actuall 2 other cysts right next to it that they took off as well. But...I have never seen my dog look so pathetic. The first day he was back, I just watched him most of the day. He was so out of it, and couldn't even lay down. I had to lay him down. Now, he's better - but you can tell he's still bothered by it. He will be fine and then he will get up and run around and lay back down. We don't know what's bothering him, but I think it may be itching and he doesn't know how to fix it. Poor thing!

5.Hmm...anything else? Sorry, I haven't been reading blogs lately. I have to catch up, so thats why I haven't commented anywhere lately. Sorry, I'm lazy!

Crazy

I'm supposed to be doing school work right now and I'm actually at work, so I guess I really should be doing work...so, naturally I figure its the perfect time to write in my blog! This week we made it to WW! Yay for us - I consider that a Huge victory as now would've been the easiest time to quit. In fact, its where I've always quit in the past. That first bump that comes along emotionally and makes it easy to stop tracking your food. Its REALLY easy to just stop. But, we have not stopped, we have started again - and I lost .6! So, yay again! I didn't come back from several weeks off to a gain, and that makes me very happy! Hopefully next week will be the same, although I doubt it as this week has already seen some slips. But, I still wake up every morning starting with my points again so I consider that an NSV.
I am currently avoiding my schoolwork as I have a small paper to do, several posts to make, an excel lab to finish, and a quiz to take. I am the master of avoiding and waiting til the last second. But, in my defense, I really do better when I HAVE to do something. And, right now, I really don't HAVE to do it, I still have time...haha, I know my mom is shaking her head while reading this. Since, she is the one who has to deal with me stressed when I start to write the paper and I'm yelling and/or crying at how I don't want to do it. SORRY MOM! This is just my process. I wait until I don't have any more time to do it, I know I have to do it now or it won't get finished, I complain all the way through it, and when I'm done I get an A! (or hopefully) I did get an A on my paper from last week, not just an A but a 100! Yay - my main goal of perfection was succeeded! Although in the back of my head I know it really wasn't perfect and I didn't deserve it (HAHA...I am so messed up!!) Don't worry, this is me in a fairly positive attitude ( I know, its deceiving). Its good because I'm completely aware of my negative thinking and I'm laughing it off. See, this is past therapy in the works here people. This is progress, I promise. I know I'm sounding a little wacky right now - guess cause I'm kindof in a good mood, although I'm not sure where it came from.
Maybe its because Whitney won America's Next Top Model!! I know most of you probably don't watch this reality stuff, but I'm a reality junkie and watch most every show I can! And, I'm gonna talk about it whether you wanna read it or not! Ha! So, Whitney was the "full figured model" this year - translation, she was a normal sized 8 or something like that as opposed to the 2 or 0 they usually are. She was Gorgeous and is probably one of my favorites of all time and she actually WON! That never happens, the one I want to win never wins! I was so excited last night...I'm still really excited! It almost makes up for Survivor ending the way it did...but it doesn't cause I was completely pissed that Parvati won that. But, I'm so happy about Whitney winning, I don't care about Parvati anymore (almost). Alright, now that I'm through with my reality show rant, I will try and get some work of some kind done. Work is really the best place for me to get schoolwork done as there are no other distractions (almost). So, I will try and get something done in the last hour here.

Better!

Ok, so I'm sorry. I know I said back on 4/15 that I would be writing more. Now its 5/8...sorry. Its still been really difficult lately with whats going on. My brother and sister-in-law are getting a divorce. I haven't like I could talk about it and I still can't really talk about it. But, at least you know whats been bothering me. My mom and I have fallen off the wagon. I don't know if I'd say fallen off completely, but we fell and are hanging on with one hand being dragged along. (Don't you love my metaphors..haha) This week I finally feel like I grabbed a hold with my other hand and I am slowly pulling myself back up. I know I said I was doing better last post, but I didn't stay that way. But, I think I ate such bad food lately, that I don't even want it anymore.
Last time I posted, I had gone to WW and lost .6 (amazingly enough). Then the next week, I gained .8 - which wasn't too bad considering how bad I was eating. The next Monday, neither me nor my mom felt like going to WI so we didn't (way to help each other out, I know). Then we were out of town this past Monday, on our way back from Ohio, so we didn't go again. We have decided to just skip this week and start anew next Monday. We both started counting our points again on Tuesday. Its been awhile since I did that and actually wrote them down, so I'm feeling much better about it all. I weighed this morning and it actually showed me down. We shall see come Monday what the results are. Hopefully I won't be back up any and I don't have to lose some weight all over again. Its amazing that I've eaten as badly as I have this past couple months and every time I weigh its about the same. I think I fluctuated between 214 and 217. Not too bad for what I was eating. It makes me feel better about after I lose the weight. It might not be too hard to maintain. Obviously I won't be able to eat as much as I have recently, but as long as I watch it, I should be good.
I haven been really bad about reading other blogs too. I guess it made me feel a little guilty about not writing in mine - so I have to catch up on those. I guess I didn't really want to hear about other people losing weight while I was struggling so much.
I was also at the end of a session in school and I didn't like one of my classes at all. I had principles of mgmt and quality mgmt. TQM was ok and I did fairly well on the quizzes midterm. But, MGMT was not so much - I had weekly quizzes in both. TQM had 10 multiple choice questions - and I usually got 10/10. MGMT had 15 and I always got a 12/15. Every time - it was ridiculous. No matter how much time I spent on it or what method I used - I always missed some. It was so frustrating. Needless to say I was not looking forward to the Final. I had the finals 2 weeks ago. TQM went as expected - I got a 97 on the exam with a 97 in the class....WOOHOO, third "A" thank you very much! MGMT was horrible. I felt horrible about it. I wanted to just go through and pick answers and be done with it. But, I didn't - I finished the exam and then wanted a bottle of wine. :) So, I had to wait a week and a half to see the grade. Wanna know what I got? Think you can guess? ..........93. Yup, thats right, I passed. Not only did I pass, I got an "A". My overall grade was a 93 as well. So, 4 A's to start off with, pretty good, eh?
My new classes started last week and I'll get into that more another time. Like I said, we went to OH this weekend for my niece's baptism. She turned 1 on the 28th. And, all I have to say is it was perfect timing. I really needed a break - and it never fails that seeing Katie and Ty seem to change my mood. Ever since I got home I've been much more productive and just more willing to do something other than play computer games. I hope it lasts for awhile. I wish they lived closer so anytimer I had a bad day I could go over and play with Katie and Ty. They really are just the sweetest kids ever. She just smiles all the time and shes in that stage where shes trying to make the noise that you make. I sneezed a couple times - and right after that, she made this loud noise trying to copy me. I sneezed after we got home and it made me smile cause I thought of her. I already can't wait to see her again and hold her! Hopefully soon! So, I think thats enough for now. Now you all know I'm not dead - sorry Caroline. I really should have called you or something, but I had just kinda collapsed into myself, and didn't want to deal with other people. Thanks for your concern!