So, I haven't written much lately. To be honest, I haven't done much lately. Its been hard to motivate myself to do much of anything. Most people who know me, know that I have dealt with depression in the past. I don't really think I can say in the past...I think it will always be a constant struggle for me. I'm not sure what has triggered this lately, but I've been a little down this week. I know that part of my problem is negative thinking, it always has been. But, when you are an analytical, logical thinker, it can sometimes be hard to be positive. In my head, everything has to make sense - everything has to have a reason. I know that this has caused my depression in the past. I've never had any real boyfriends and I always blamed that on the fact that I was fat. Or at least fatter than the average in my age group. Well, one summer I lost about 30 pounds. I had always wanted to do that, go away for the summer, lose weight, come back to school, have everyone see how wonderful I looked, and my life would change. Ha...well, that partly happened. I lost weight, I came back, everyone thought I looked great - but nothing changed. My life was still the same. So, my mind went into panic. If the weight wasn't causing all of my troubles, what was? There has to be a reason - a logical reason. Well, it must be me. So, then it just went downhill. Well, whats wrong with me then?- and my head came up with everything. So you can see I have many issues.
So, I think I will always have those issues in the back of my head. But, I have learned to deal with them to the best that I can. Every now and then, like this week, it just gets too much. My main issue lately is boredom. And I don't think that describes it well to other people. I'm bored with my life...I feel like I'm not living. I feel like I need to do something, stop wasting my time. I've been cautious all my life, afraid of everything. Well, this has made me miss out on so much. Its almost like now, I'm so used to doing that, I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do to start living. This also leads to my sleeping issues, since I don't want to miss out anything. I know this is a lot of deep, personal information. But, it really feels better to let it out. I'm normally such a closed, guarded person (again with the cautiousness), it feels good to be open. So, sorry if this is more than you bargained for - you don't have to read it if you don't want to. :/
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Frown
Posted by Kristi at 8:42 AM
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3 comments:
Hey Kristi! I meant to tell you on your last post that you are looking great :-) I can really tell in your face (and like you said your belly)...even the arm openings look a little big :-) As for this post...I'm no good at giving advice, but I'm always willing to listen!
Well, Kristi, these are indeed deep thoughts you've expressed. I can relate to some of what you said. I, too, have struggled with depression. I didn't know being an analytical, logical thinker was a problem, but it also describes me. And wondering whether the life you're living is really living... hmm, I've felt that before, too.
But you didn't mention social anxiety, so perhaps that's not a problem for you.
I, of course, have no answers for you. I'm not sure if it helps, but I've felt some of what you've been feeling. Heh.
I hope you're feeling better.
Oh girlie, we really were separated at birth. I could copy and paste your entry onto mine from a few weeks ago when I had my really bad week. Like Paul, I don't have any advice either. The only thing I have told myself is that even if my life doesn't change, I don't want to be overweight anymore. I think we have to try to separate the weight from the rest of the mental shit. Even if the mental shit is still there when we're hot and skinny, at least we'll be hot and skinny, right?
You can always call. I love you!!
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